- The colleague who takes credit for your work in team meetings, dismisses your ideas, and oozes arrogance.
- The Board member who likes to punch holes in everyone’s presentations with just a little too much glee.
- The boss who doesn’t listen, doesn’t have context, and steam rolls your ideas and action plans to push his own agenda.
We’ve all been there. That meeting or interaction where the stress or frustration are enough to take you off your game. The conversation you’ve been putting off is now inevitable and unavoidable.
Whatever the circumstances, this moment – this interaction – holds weight.
Lately, many of my clients are sharing experiences that land in this territory.
I think the moments feel more amped up than ever given the broader level of social, economic and political intensity, not to mention the many re-orgs and troubling job market. It can feel risky to address challenging dynamics when there’s such chaos swirling around.
And yet, not doing or saying anything isn’t necessarily a better route. So what can you do?
I’ve been using the “Predict, Prepare, Practice” approach with clients for many years now to help them advance key objectives and tackle negatively charged situations.
It’s proven to be an effective model for dialing back the internal intensity and dialing up the calm, in-command demeanor that helps us all show up as our best selves.
Here’s the gist of it:
1) Start Early. Look at your calendar for the week or month ahead and identify when “that thing” you’re anticipating is likely to occur next. The greater the importance or the greater your anxiety, the earlier you want to start this process. It could be a person, conversation, meeting, or something else. It typically makes you antsy just thinking about it and has the potential to push you off kilter in some fashion.
2) Predict what is likely to happen. What takes you off your game? How and when does this occur? Is there a pattern? What can you learn from history? Have you successfully faced into a similar situation elsewhere? If so, what worked that you can lift and re-apply? By breaking down the components of what triggers or undermines you, you can identify the various stages and options for redirection and management of the issue. This is the genesis of your planning process.
3) Predict the reactions. What is your own typical reaction in these moments? What happens next? How do others react when this moment occurs? Is there fear, resistance, tolerance, silence, arguments, eye-rolling? When you break down your own and others’ patterns of behavior in high intensity moments, you may find openings to interrupt the process and influence a new way forward. Leverage this hindsight to identify what you can do differently the next time.
4) Scenario Plan YOU. Here are four key elements squarely within your control: Focus / Demeanor / Behavior / Communications.
- FOCUS: Where will you direct your attention? What will you guide others to focus on? Equally important, what or whom will you ignore?
- DEMEANOR: Decide what demeanor best serves your goal. Humor? Curiosity? Cool as a Cucumber? Facilitative? Diplomatic? Skeptical? Selecting a small range of intended demeanors that you can shift to depending on the dynamic can help you prepare for what you predicted in the prior steps.
- BEHAVIOR: What behaviors will you exemplify and what will you steer clear of? Consider what behaviors you’ve been avoiding and how that’s worked out. Is this a situation where you need to bring that behavior into play? Addressing conflict or directly broaching a sensitive issue are examples of this.
- COMMUNICATIONS: Know your message, language, delivery and desired tone. Stay on point.
Scenario planning is always unique to the situation and dependent upon your circumstances and your typical patterns of reacting. The objective, however, is to choose a path that’s different from your default, yet still aligned with your character and your end game.
5) Visualize & Practice. Run through your plan in your mind again and again … not to be obsessive, but to see – as clearly as possible – yourself in action. Visualize the room, the people, the energy, the predictable reactions to whatever triggers you. Picture yourself and your demeanor, hear your voice. Imagine your body language and facial expressions staying composed when the moment hits. Feel the pace of your breathing. Then practice, practice, practice. In front of a mirror, recording yourself on Zoom, in conversation with a confidante.
Practice builds the muscle so when the moment comes, you don’t have to think about it too much.
The mind is an amazing ally if we invite it to be one. Let your mind create the image of you as your best self and then run with it.
As with any shift in behavior, there’s an element of awkwardness or discomfort that tends to occur. When we accept and plan adequately for that, its grip loosens and we’re able to face into the moment from a position of strength.
If you’re facing into a high stakes situation, give this approach a try and learn from your results. If you’re really stuck, reach out and let’s work together to build the plan that’s right for you.